A few years ago I had a difficult period which made me requestionned every areas of my life.
I guess it was what people call a burn-out but you can call it a depression, an awakening or whatever fits for you.
I noticed 3 points which I think triggered it :
1 – An incohenrence between what I wanted to do and what I was actualy doing.
I wanted to dance and have meaningfull conversations but instead I passed most of my time alone in front of a computer working on excel files. I wanted to buy a dress and instead I would pick a pair of pants. I wanted to invite a friend to hang out and instead I would clean the house or do the groceries. I needed a day off and instead I would force my self to go to work. I wanted to jump in someone’s arms and I would instead chose to give this person a cold and distant kiss.
2 – I was intensively selfdoubting myself
Does those clothes fits me ? Is this joke funny enough ? Is my house clean enough to invite someone? Am I overeating ? Is my mail well written ? Do I realy like him ? Should I buy this ? Isn’t it to expensiv ? Do I exist ? Would anyone ever love me for who I realy am ? Am I allowed to suffer ? Is it ok to go to talk to this person ? Will he/her think I am crazy ? Can everybody see that I am struggling right now ?
3 – I was excpecting others to save me, to tell me where I should go. I thought everyone knew better than I did.
- I was longing for my father’s approval regarding my carreer choices.
- I was longing for my mother’s approval regarding my way of being with others.
- I was longing for my boyfriend to like everythings that I liked.
- I was longing for my friends to validate my choices.
As a result I was making choices not so much for me but to be approved by people around me. The worst is that I was aware of it and I was screaming inside begging my self to set me free. I was leaving with this constent duality which were day after day harder to contain.
My body sent me red signals :
– Within a year, I’ve been blocked 4 times during a week because of intense back pain.
– I had continuously bellyache.
– I felt like dying each first days of my period.
– My vision was getting low
– While I am dancing from a young age, my shoulders started to increasingly go inwords.
– I was exhausted, I felt very heavy and old eventhough in reality I was only 28 and quite skiny.
3 events which happened in a week changed my life :
I wanted to quite my job for a while and I finaly dared.
I was deeply frustrated in my romantic relationship. My boyfriend announced me that he wanted to break up.
I was longing to be more present with others but I was hanging on my cellphone all the time. A good soul made me the gift of stealing my cellphone.
The most violent choc was with the breakup. It forced me to wake up and to understand that somehting about my way of showing up in life was off.
I remember telling myself : « but it is soooo unfair ! I was doing everything soooo right ! I was cleaning, ironing his clothes, preparing good food, giving him all the affection, tenderness and understanding he needed. I tempered my anger, putting myself in his shoes, giving him reasons… »
But at the same time I felt deeply frustrated : I felt like I was giving more that I received. I slaved myself to the image of the perfect woman.
Nevertheless I loved him… He loved me too. But he decided to break up with me. When he anounced me that, I felt like the earth opened up underneath me. Like if everything I believed in vanished into the air. I didn’t have the choice, I had to radicaly change my way of being.
At that moment I told myself : « If it’s the way I am thanks for my efforts and sacrifices, from now on I only think about myslelf ! »
And from this moment, I finaly start taking care of myself. I looked for anything to feel better. I went on a well-being quest, a quest which will give me back muchmore than what I expected.
Today physically I feel better than ever, I feel closer to myself and my desires. I ask myself less questions. I feel closer to others. It’s easier to listen, to understand and to share. I see more colors in my everyday life. Each day is different.
I feel so much lighter and complete. My relationships with my family changed, I feel way more alive as if I were a Zombie before. Because I love my work, I feel like being on holiday. I meet people who I resonate with, who understand me and with who I feel free of being myself without being judge. I changed my way of seing myself. I am proud of my journey and I trust what’s coming next !
Some tips which helped:
- Writing whatever was coming through my mind
- Noticing things which I felt gratitude for
- drawing mandalas in times of confusion
- nourishing my friendships
- paying attention to my breath
- reach out to different coach and therapists
- following my interest and nourrishing my curiosity
- practicing circling